to boast. - intense self appreciation.

by Joseph Griffin

Maryland, USA

the confidence was appalling at first.

i mean,  

you rode down the hallway on a scooter, 

smashing every high school standard to pieces

in some way, you had reaffirmed the thought in my head 

about the school, 

western maryland in general 

white people 

laughter in the back of my head

where no one could hear me. 

i would walk to the buses 

you would rush past me, 

all i could see was the brakes on your vehicle of choice

i began to look forward to seeing your brown hair speed down the hallway

bursting through the school doors.

you realized that everyone was laughing at you, 

you didn’t conform 

you laughed with them. 

you laughed at them. 

the next year,

when the title of upperclassmen boasted my self-esteem,

you replaced your scooter with flags 

and placed yourself in two of my classes.

you walked down the hallway, 

i soon found myself infatuated with the way you walked past the principal,

the way you laughed when she told you to follow her into the office 

how you would come back the next day with a different flag.

in class, you continued to laugh at yourself,

you told jokes, that was your thing.

funny jokes

self deprecating jokes 

racist jokes, 

rumors trailed behind you like the american flag you were so proud to carry 

did you hear about the nazi flag?

i remember hearing about the confederate one in his garage. 

i honestly don’t know if you heard them. 

i don’t know if you cared. 

i decided to face the music 

i sent you one text 

do you say nigger?

i didn’t want to hide behind words,

i wanted to rip the bandaid off 

skin and all.

nigger. 

i’ve said it online so much, it’s lost its original connotation 

to me, 

it’s just a word i say 

without thinking. 

you answered so quick 

i wondered if your confidence had blinded you, 

or if you were just too ignorant to see the foolishness in your thoughts.

either way, i sat and stared at my phone for about 15 minutes after you sent that.

i didn’t realize i was crying until i tasted salty tears on my lips

and i wondered why i couldn’t see the racist comments that illuminated my room. 

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